I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
3pm strippers are depressing
You dont lie about slip and slides
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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