My friends, they love my intelligence
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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