i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
