It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
