she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
