Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
