The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
