I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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