I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i love accidental penises.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
