if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
