His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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