there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
