My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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