I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
