trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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