I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
