My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
