Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
