I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
