I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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