wanna go halves on a baby?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
