If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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