the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
