Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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