I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
