My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
