Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
