Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
