it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
