I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
