If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
