Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
