this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
