Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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