I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
