when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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