there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
