come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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