haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
