I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
