I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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