did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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