i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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