The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
