Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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