you didnt know i had herpes?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
