If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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