just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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