my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
