apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my poor anus
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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