I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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