I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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