I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
