I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
