He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
