if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want a musical about memes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
